Burnt Popcorn

Tonight is, as many preceding nights have been, an odd mix of thoughts, acts, and emotions. It’s currently 2AM, Chris Isaak and Vienna Teng are highlighting and encouraging my mood, and I’m snacking on the last of some popcorn I burned earlier tonight. The popcorn seems like such an apropos metaphor for my mood that I had to write something about it. Inspiration is an unpredictable friend.

Last night I purchased my return ticket to the States, and that came with a lot of residual emotions that I hadn’t really planned on cleaning up, especially concerning the relationships I have with my family and friends at home.

On one hand I feel closer to my family and friends than I have in a long time. Whatever emotional distance lies between us has been the direct result of physical distance. Surely that can be easily accepted and dealt with, so I’m anxious to get home and get my relationships back on track, with laughs to share, stories to tell, and lost time to make up. I can’t wait for the reunions, and I feel drawn to everyone because my hope is that everyone feels the same as I do.

On the other hand, a lot has happened in a year and I’m not sure I’m the same person I was a year ago, for better or worse. If there’s a new Me, will I be compatible with the changes everyone else has undergone over the past year? I’m scared that I won’t fit back into the puzzle of people I was a part of when I left. I haven’t really been pulling my weight on all fronts trying to keep the ties tight, so I have some anxiety as to whether or not my hope for amiable reunions is requited. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

So why does burnt popcorn have a special significance for me tonight? Well, it’s by no means perfect, but definitely edible. I had to throw out a few pieces of burnt popcorn so I could enjoy the rest, but the discarded pieces have left a subtle but noticeable mark on rest. Korea has been a decidedly positive experience for me, but every unpleasant experience I’ve tried to discard has left its mark on all the rest. I have no regrets about the big picture, but there are a lot of instances regarding relationships at home and relationships abroad that I would probably change or ignore if given the chance. I guess that smokiness just gives this feeling a taste I’ll be more likely to remember.

Reflections – The 10th of 12

Imagine a pool filled with fish, and imagine that every time you reached in to take a fish from the pool all of the fish latched onto your fish, not because they want to save that fish from being caught, but because they all want to be caught. The weight of all the fish together is too much, and you can’t get just one fish at a time, so you can never get a fish from the pool. The best way to catch a fish, I think, is to just dive in and start eating.

I noticed tonight that not only have I severely neglected this webpage project for the better part of 5 months, I haven’t written ANYTHING since February. Now I’m trying to catch single thoughts and feelings from such a jam-packed pool of experiences that getting a single, clear idea alone for long enough to process it and write something about has become quite difficult. Time to dive in and start eating.

I might as well start by outlining the picture and leave the coloring and details for another day. I can confidently say that this trip has been decidedly more good than bad, and in no way do I regret taking this detour. I am, however, anxious to go home and to see at what point and in which direction I resume my life. I can’t help but think of my time in Korea as anything but a detour. Whatever road connects my past to my future doesn’t pass through where I am now. I’ve had to get off the main road to get here, but the places I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had are worth every minute of time I might have lost.